This little light of my mine

When you hear that song you have to realize what that means. I think of it like this, we are full of the holy spirit, like in conception and birth God filled us with the his holy spirit, like Holy oil, our heart is the wick. So we are born and we are already filled to the brim with his holy oil. We live and we are brought to church, hopefully, our parents, our loved ones expose us to the joy of God’s love and we go along. I mean it’s what they do so it’s what we do, until we reach a point of questioning, a time when we begin to talk with God but unknowingly. He’s calling us, he’s letting us know, letting you know that he’s with you. Always has been and is just waiting for you to make a choice to let him shine, let him shine let him shine. In everything and everywhere you go, let him shine. Yet, he can’t shine until you let the holy spirit come alive, let it light within you. So you argue with God a little, we all have. Why, how, if you are here why am I going through the traumas, the hazards of life that seem so unfair. We argue, pushing blame on him and not taking responsibility Here is the key, not taking blame for our choices. Because at every turn Jesus has laid out two paths, a path of righteousness, and a path of the world. And many times, the path of the world appears…key word, appears easier. Like it comes with less judgement, less persocution and offers a faster more direct path to what We want. The funny thing, since we are always searching for him, always seeking him, and until we make the choice to let him light us, until we make a choice to let him shine within us, we will always be shadows chasing the night. But God will get you, he always does. You either hit rock bottom, or you just make a decision to take a leap of faith and just let him in. And once we do, he lights that joy, he takes away the fear, he pushes the dark out and fills us with his light. And we let it shine, we let shine let it shine. Now I am not a perfect Christian, I don’t know one, and every day I struggle, I fight against the flesh, and the darkness, the ways of the world, satan, tries to sneak back in. Looking for a weakness, a moment of doubt to captialize on and some days that darkness gets in farther then I care to admit, always farther then I want, but with Faith, with constant prayer, just simply talking to God every day, I never go back to where I was. I never find myself lost in the darkness because he is shining in me. If God is for me, than who or what can stand against me. If I chose to make the same promise to God that he makes to me, I never lose my way. It’s my choice, my choice to let him shine in everything I do, and why would I turn that light off, why would I walk in any other direction and go back to that despair, that sadness and unfulfilling life that he brought me out of? So when I hear that song, this little light of mine, I think of what it means in me, what God has done for me, and I am excited for what he has in store for me. So I let it shine, I ask God every day to shine in me, through me, to let others find their way out of the darkness by following his light. And if you feel like your light is dimming, like the darkness is creeping in; ask him to rekindle, to brighten within you.

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Giving

I’m stained with secrets
slowly burning with heat of sunrise
My heart lives there
between the echoed footsteps of goodbyes
My lips spill time uncontrollably
my tongue is chasing seconds
That pass memories in the dark
I’m filled with Faith
Raging with the joy of Resurrection
my soul lives here
Inside the tears of trials and triumphs
My voice carries a message that is everlasting
It is unconditional, it is love
-J

Dads matter

As time passes after my divorce I find myself more and more financially hurt.  I keep trying to figure why and then I sit down and write it all out. 

I am not a dead beat Dad, I show up to everything, whether it is my scheduled time or not.  I pay my child support, I pay activity fees and help with groceries and about 70% of my income goes to help mom pay for things with our babies.  That does not nor will it ever bother me, I Love my broken family (because divorce breaks a little of all us inside).  I want the best for my kids, even my ex-wife. 

What kills me is she wants more, she chooses to not work in the summer time.  She chooses to not sit down and budget with me for upcoming activities and expenses.  I just get a bill that keeps going and less and less information of where and when things are happening. 

Less and less.

I thought our job as parents (together or apart) was to do the best for our kids, for each other.  Imagine what we could do working together, just communicating.  The view changes with a simple conversation. 

This is scattered I know, just random free falling thoughts of a Dad….looking for ways to ask a Mom….to be better than our past by working together.

We all have bad moments in our life, but if you choose to remain in the position; you will never grow.  If you never grow, they never grow. 

Sigh, it just frazzles my mind on how to make things work, how to change things…how do we become better when we don’t exist.

Sincerely,

Dad moving forward

Blessed

Clear gray pastures that lead me abound
Journeys into the unknown abyss of unlimited possibilities. 

I have swam these concrete waters before, this time it’s different.  The construction seems to patch up those distant fears I hid
behind before. 

Nothing quiets the labor of rubber being beaten upon ancient cracks of regret yet even that constant reminder cannot diffuse the beauty that is before me. 

I pray with wide open eyes, I thank with closed lips and look only ahead. 

I Am

I am sin, so please resist the temptation to follow me.  I am like cool gin calling your lips at the end of a troubled day, addicting and easy to get lost in.  Please don’t pick up my chilled cup and let me fill you with my false relief. 

I have listened to your trembling heart, your turbulent soul search for absolution in clear nights.  Take heed my advice because my tempur pedic comfort masks the fact that I am not paying attention. 

We have argued in the street,  brought lightning from the sky.  Woke sleeping neighbors and called out the devil in you an me.  Then ended it all with false apologies to appease you worrying mind so disregard my tears,  they cover up my still raging anger. 

Change….change comes through work, from want.  So open your Palms and surrender to my rain,  my warm breeze dancing upon your searing skin. Take in my Aloe an honey,  let me heal you from within. 

Baptize with me and be not the same anymore,  we are better then our mistakes. Our cracked pavement is superficial,  the real strength comes from our roots dug deep in the soil of faith.

For without you, without me…without fight an trials an fears. There is no Love, no hope…no we.

And We are everything to me.

JDJ,©