I’m stained with secrets
slowly burning with heat of sunrise
My heart lives there
between the echoed footsteps of goodbyes
My lips spill time uncontrollably
my tongue is chasing seconds
That pass memories in the dark
I’m filled with Faith
Raging with the joy of Resurrection
my soul lives here
Inside the tears of trials and triumphs
My voice carries a message that is everlasting
It is unconditional, it is love
As time passes after my divorce I find myself more and more financially hurt. I keep trying to figure why and then I sit down and write it all out.
I am not a dead beat Dad, I show up to everything, whether it is my scheduled time or not. I pay my child support, I pay activity fees and help with groceries and about 70% of my income goes to help mom pay for things with our babies. That does not nor will it ever bother me, I Love my broken family (because divorce breaks a little of all us inside). I want the best for my kids, even my ex-wife.
What kills me is she wants more, she chooses to not work in the summer time. She chooses to not sit down and budget with me for upcoming activities and expenses. I just get a bill that keeps going and less and less information of where and when things are happening.
Less and less.
I thought our job as parents (together or apart) was to do the best for our kids, for each other. Imagine what we could do working together, just communicating. The view changes with a simple conversation.
This is scattered I know, just random free falling thoughts of a Dad….looking for ways to ask a Mom….to be better than our past by working together.
We all have bad moments in our life, but if you choose to remain in the position; you will never grow. If you never grow, they never grow.
Sigh, it just frazzles my mind on how to make things work, how to change things…how do we become better when we don’t exist.
Dad moving forward
I am looking for help in my writing, will you please leave suggestions, words, whatever you feel on my page and I will write poems to correlate to them.
after they are posted, comments and feedback are requested. Good or bad.
Here I lay waiting for a call. A glimpse of hope that beyond your stubborn pride is compassion.
I am strong, I am faithful, I am sad that you use them to hurt me.
Looking for help, but where does a Father turn?
It escapes me as the days pass how much the past is not always a lesson learned, but a scar that is hated. Like the scarlet letter. I m looking for absolution in the night sky, I am finding frailty in the strength if my hope because I am harboring scars that entrap me in fear.
So much of me is yearning for the love that I have for her, for our marriage, for our family. So much of me is running away blind. I can not go back to someone who has wished me dead, asked me to kill myself so that they do not have to see me. The same person that moments later is crawling over me, tempting me with false looks of love, caressing my sides, my heart with the promise of completion.
Some days I am strong, some days I am beaten. Crying…I am never defeated, I have learned that through faith I am able to push on.
I am battled, scared and tired…
I am never out of Love…
So parts of me still long for parts of her on cold/warm nights. I try to escape the feeling that something or everything has fallen between the cracks. I married with intent on forever, and stopped short of yesterday it feels.
I look at her and see our past, our babies, our laughter. I blink and see all the fire that burns what we try and create today an tomorrow. There is fear in our Hearts and it runs rampant through houses divided….where do we go from here ….