I’m stained with secrets
slowly burning with heat of sunrise
My heart lives there
between the echoed footsteps of goodbyes
My lips spill time uncontrollably
my tongue is chasing seconds
That pass memories in the dark
I’m filled with Faith
Raging with the joy of Resurrection
my soul lives here
Inside the tears of trials and triumphs
My voice carries a message that is everlasting
It is unconditional, it is love
For Black History Month I thought I would share something I wrote as a teen, that entails my experiences…
So is this really my culture to bear,
just because I am the only black man in the room – does not
make me a shadow.
My voice sounds like a whip
my walk is an echo of every march to unify our Nation
my tears are rivers that lead from captivity to equality
and when you see me –
I am still just a wish never dreamed of
a thunderstorm you long to drive through
yet safety is found under black roof tops that shelter you from
So I stand in every room
Cracking my whip across misled perceptions
because being black is not a conception to be used to be
it means the scars that have been covered by progress
are not to be forgotten
the sting of once open wounds has not dissipated
Within our hearts we relieve the triumph of everyone who
spoke and died for us
So this whip I swing back and pray you feel it snap across your conscious. That being alive, is being human
that is what we are all struggling to be,
As time passes after my divorce I find myself more and more financially hurt. I keep trying to figure why and then I sit down and write it all out.
I am not a dead beat Dad, I show up to everything, whether it is my scheduled time or not. I pay my child support, I pay activity fees and help with groceries and about 70% of my income goes to help mom pay for things with our babies. That does not nor will it ever bother me, I Love my broken family (because divorce breaks a little of all us inside). I want the best for my kids, even my ex-wife.
What kills me is she wants more, she chooses to not work in the summer time. She chooses to not sit down and budget with me for upcoming activities and expenses. I just get a bill that keeps going and less and less information of where and when things are happening.
Less and less.
I thought our job as parents (together or apart) was to do the best for our kids, for each other. Imagine what we could do working together, just communicating. The view changes with a simple conversation.
This is scattered I know, just random free falling thoughts of a Dad….looking for ways to ask a Mom….to be better than our past by working together.
We all have bad moments in our life, but if you choose to remain in the position; you will never grow. If you never grow, they never grow.
Sigh, it just frazzles my mind on how to make things work, how to change things…how do we become better when we don’t exist.
Dad moving forward
As a Dad I am looking to become a better man daily. I look into my children’s eyes and see that they believe in me beyond what I can fathom. They see the untapped potential that as an adult, I “logically” rule out. Yet, when I take the time to stop and just listen, and see what they see; I can do anything.
Something I get lost, they always help me find my way home.
So is it ok that I let things come between us, no. Is it ok she let things come between us, no. We were victims to fear, to doubt, to temptations of the world. Those things are no longer what holds us back, now we are held back by pride.
I have prayed, I have let go and my pride will no longer take rule in my life. In the life we share together, which stands at this point as parents looking out for the best of our babies.
Now we fight for eachother, at least this is the stand I am taking. Because, we do not have to be married to have a solid foundation of trust, respect, honor, commitment or faith. We do not have to be intimate to pass these moral compasses on to our babies, or to those who have or will find their way into parts of our lives.
So from here on out, I am praying for you, for us….