Dads matter

As time passes after my divorce I find myself more and more financially hurt.  I keep trying to figure why and then I sit down and write it all out. 

I am not a dead beat Dad, I show up to everything, whether it is my scheduled time or not.  I pay my child support, I pay activity fees and help with groceries and about 70% of my income goes to help mom pay for things with our babies.  That does not nor will it ever bother me, I Love my broken family (because divorce breaks a little of all us inside).  I want the best for my kids, even my ex-wife. 

What kills me is she wants more, she chooses to not work in the summer time.  She chooses to not sit down and budget with me for upcoming activities and expenses.  I just get a bill that keeps going and less and less information of where and when things are happening. 

Less and less.

I thought our job as parents (together or apart) was to do the best for our kids, for each other.  Imagine what we could do working together, just communicating.  The view changes with a simple conversation. 

This is scattered I know, just random free falling thoughts of a Dad….looking for ways to ask a Mom….to be better than our past by working together.

We all have bad moments in our life, but if you choose to remain in the position; you will never grow.  If you never grow, they never grow. 

Sigh, it just frazzles my mind on how to make things work, how to change things…how do we become better when we don’t exist.

Sincerely,

Dad moving forward

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Past

Burnt embers sizzle out in the morning mist, leaving that stale, fresh sent of the end wafting through the air.

Through closed eyelids I REM through vivid emotions of what once was. 

Subconsciously that arm draped over my sides is holding it all together.  Distant fights, silent mornings of “I need you” that never got completed because prideful lips fastened shut in fear. 

Empty chairs holding sheltered laughter, harsh goodbyes and passion lost to the burning embers of this torn heart. 

As a Dad

As a Dad I am looking to become a better man daily.  I look into my children’s eyes and see that they believe in me beyond what I can fathom.  They see the untapped potential that as an adult, I “logically” rule out. Yet, when I take the time to stop and just listen, and see what they see; I can do anything. 

Something I get lost, they always help me find my way home. 

Work

I am looking for help in my writing, will you please leave suggestions, words, whatever you feel on my page and I will write poems to correlate to them. 

Thank you

after they are posted, comments and feedback are requested.  Good or bad. 

Reason

It escapes me as the days pass how much the past is not always a lesson learned, but a scar that is hated.  Like the scarlet letter.   I m looking for absolution in the night sky, I am finding frailty in the strength if my hope because I am harboring scars that entrap me in fear. 

So much of me is yearning for the love that I have for her, for our  marriage, for our family.  So much of me is running away blind.  I can not go back to someone who has wished me dead, asked me to kill myself so that they do not have to see me. The same person that moments later is crawling over me, tempting me with false looks of love, caressing my sides, my heart with the promise of completion.

Some days I am strong, some days I am beaten.  Crying…I am never defeated, I have learned that through faith I am able to push on. 

I am battled, scared and tired…

I am never out of Love…
JDJ

Disrespect

So how can you insult me all day then kiss me.  How can you call into question me as a father, me as a Christian, and then ask me for help so you can go on a date.   I understand divorce is about changing, coming together, working as one to better life for eachother and the kids.  How do we when you live within the moment, what feels good for the minute is not what’s good for the long haul.   I have nothing to say when you tell me i am unwelcome, and then you want to put your lips on me in lust.  I am speechless.

Listen please

There is a fight inside me, I am struggling to control that pull to run.  I am fighting for unknown reasons, fighting a past that forcefully is trying to shape the present. 

It is no longer a reason in the present, because change has come.  Forgiveness has laid waste to anger, so I am looking at you in compassion. 

We can hold hands, make love, and talk all night about how bright the future may be.  Yet, as long as you live in the past our future will remain unattainable. 

I am yelling to be heard and you cover your ears like a child.  I am on my knees and your back is turned.  So I stay on my knees and pray.  You need not know that I am praying for you.  For the peace in your mind to return, for the strength of your weary soul to manifest again. 

I never stopped believing in you, I just stopped listening; then you stopped listening to me.  Now I have let go of youthful pride, I can hear your words, your heart.

Can you, will you hear mine?

Faith

So is it ok that I let things come between us, no.  Is it ok she let things come between us, no.    We were victims to fear, to doubt, to temptations of the world.   Those things are no longer what holds us back, now we are held back by pride.

I have prayed, I have let go and my pride will no longer take rule in my life. In the life we share together, which stands at this point as parents looking out for the best of our babies.

Now we fight for eachother, at least this is the stand I am taking.  Because, we do not have to be married to have a solid foundation of trust, respect, honor, commitment or faith.  We do not have to be intimate to pass these moral compasses on to our babies, or to those who have or will find their way into parts of our lives.

So from here on out, I am praying for you, for us….