Listen please

There is a fight inside me, I am struggling to control that pull to run.  I am fighting for unknown reasons, fighting a past that forcefully is trying to shape the present. 

It is no longer a reason in the present, because change has come.  Forgiveness has laid waste to anger, so I am looking at you in compassion. 

We can hold hands, make love, and talk all night about how bright the future may be.  Yet, as long as you live in the past our future will remain unattainable. 

I am yelling to be heard and you cover your ears like a child.  I am on my knees and your back is turned.  So I stay on my knees and pray.  You need not know that I am praying for you.  For the peace in your mind to return, for the strength of your weary soul to manifest again. 

I never stopped believing in you, I just stopped listening; then you stopped listening to me.  Now I have let go of youthful pride, I can hear your words, your heart.

Can you, will you hear mine?

Devastated

So I got news the other night.  Life shattering, bring me down to my knees in church news. 

Through text…..

She was pregnant. She miscarried. She choose to withhold that she was, that we lost…

Life, a miracle….

How to cope without anger…

Faith

So is it ok that I let things come between us, no.  Is it ok she let things come between us, no.    We were victims to fear, to doubt, to temptations of the world.   Those things are no longer what holds us back, now we are held back by pride.

I have prayed, I have let go and my pride will no longer take rule in my life. In the life we share together, which stands at this point as parents looking out for the best of our babies.

Now we fight for eachother, at least this is the stand I am taking.  Because, we do not have to be married to have a solid foundation of trust, respect, honor, commitment or faith.  We do not have to be intimate to pass these moral compasses on to our babies, or to those who have or will find their way into parts of our lives.

So from here on out, I am praying for you, for us….

Thank you

So let’s get positive. 
I woke up this morning, drove to work and saw a red moon. I have healthy babies who think the world of me.

Somewhere, I gained the respect of my peers and it has stayed with me, I have loved.  Wether lost or still with me, I have loved unfiltered.  I have been loved. 

I am not ashamed to say I have made mistakes and fallen down, I have cried, I have been angry. 

I have my faith which holds me up, I find my understanding, my patience within prayer and reflection.  I have crossed from worrying about the now, to investing in the forever. 

I smile more than frown, and it’s because you have taken time in this chaotic world to read my heart.  You paused long enough to listen, some of you have returned.  You inspire me, you surprise me with your view, your heart is astounding. When I visit your pages.  I am humbled and pushed to be better..

So on this blessed Sunday I want to say thank you for taking time to remember, read, and care.  For being compassionate….being human….thank you.   

Please feel free to comment, criticize, on any posts or drop an email at ljinfintely@gmail.com

Believe that real inspiration lies within you ©JDJ

image

A lost husband

So parts of me still long for parts of her on cold/warm nights.  I try to escape the feeling that something or everything has fallen between the cracks.  I married with intent on forever, and stopped short of yesterday it feels. 

I look at her and see our past, our babies, our laughter.  I blink and see all the fire that burns what we try and create today an tomorrow.  There is fear in our Hearts and it runs rampant through houses divided….where do we go from here ….

Figment

The truth….
Unimaginable, untangible,
Maybe to scarring to recall.
Holding on to blind ambiton,
I-we, have followed you here.
Nothing promised in this cool dark night yet our footsteps are one.  Marching loudly into the bursting warmth of daylight.  I dare not speak to my neighbors who look on just as scared as me. 
Hoping to touch solid ground, we have lemminged towards the worlds edge.   Taking science over heart, words over faith, decomposition of flesh over a higher cause.
My soul cries out!
Believing that we live without purpose, substance. 
Jump, is the cry heard above this blaring silence. It echoes back through us and it begans.  No one claims shouting it out, lead by what might have been heard by one of us, a multitude  follows that empty shroud over the edge.
Still , there in the middle one stops to look around. Reaches arms out and halts those behind. 
Open your eyes, none of this….
Is real.
©JDJ

Blind

So we both were blind to the fall.  I take responsibility for missing the obvious, I take responsibility for not being the husband I should have been. Faltering as a father because I promised God and Man to forever protect and guide my family. 

Pride is a terrible thing to bring into a relationship, because it holds you back from fully loving….

I Am

I am sin, so please resist the temptation to follow me.  I am like cool gin calling your lips at the end of a troubled day, addicting and easy to get lost in.  Please don’t pick up my chilled cup and let me fill you with my false relief. 

I have listened to your trembling heart, your turbulent soul search for absolution in clear nights.  Take heed my advice because my tempur pedic comfort masks the fact that I am not paying attention. 

We have argued in the street,  brought lightning from the sky.  Woke sleeping neighbors and called out the devil in you an me.  Then ended it all with false apologies to appease you worrying mind so disregard my tears,  they cover up my still raging anger. 

Change….change comes through work, from want.  So open your Palms and surrender to my rain,  my warm breeze dancing upon your searing skin. Take in my Aloe an honey,  let me heal you from within. 

Baptize with me and be not the same anymore,  we are better then our mistakes. Our cracked pavement is superficial,  the real strength comes from our roots dug deep in the soil of faith.

For without you, without me…without fight an trials an fears. There is no Love, no hope…no we.

And We are everything to me.

JDJ,©

Truth of the matter

What do you say to a parent who want sto love you in the cold of night and dismiss you in daylight.  How do you just go from greatness to blah. 

I say don’t go beyond this point if you are not committed, if you don’t want more than just sex.  Think I would learn that some people will say anything for that moment of bliss.

I want to live beyond that moment, as a dad, a husband and a friend.  As a parent you shouldn’t have to fake it right….