It escapes me as the days pass how much the past is not always a lesson learned, but a scar that is hated. Like the scarlet letter. I m looking for absolution in the night sky, I am finding frailty in the strength if my hope because I am harboring scars that entrap me in fear.
So much of me is yearning for the love that I have for her, for our marriage, for our family. So much of me is running away blind. I can not go back to someone who has wished me dead, asked me to kill myself so that they do not have to see me. The same person that moments later is crawling over me, tempting me with false looks of love, caressing my sides, my heart with the promise of completion.
Some days I am strong, some days I am beaten. Crying…I am never defeated, I have learned that through faith I am able to push on.
I am battled, scared and tired…
I am never out of Love…
There is a fight inside me, I am struggling to control that pull to run. I am fighting for unknown reasons, fighting a past that forcefully is trying to shape the present.
It is no longer a reason in the present, because change has come. Forgiveness has laid waste to anger, so I am looking at you in compassion.
We can hold hands, make love, and talk all night about how bright the future may be. Yet, as long as you live in the past our future will remain unattainable.
I am yelling to be heard and you cover your ears like a child. I am on my knees and your back is turned. So I stay on my knees and pray. You need not know that I am praying for you. For the peace in your mind to return, for the strength of your weary soul to manifest again.
I never stopped believing in you, I just stopped listening; then you stopped listening to me. Now I have let go of youthful pride, I can hear your words, your heart.
Can you, will you hear mine?
So I got news the other night. Life shattering, bring me down to my knees in church news.
She was pregnant. She miscarried. She choose to withhold that she was, that we lost…
Life, a miracle….
How to cope without anger…
So is it ok that I let things come between us, no. Is it ok she let things come between us, no. We were victims to fear, to doubt, to temptations of the world. Those things are no longer what holds us back, now we are held back by pride.
I have prayed, I have let go and my pride will no longer take rule in my life. In the life we share together, which stands at this point as parents looking out for the best of our babies.
Now we fight for eachother, at least this is the stand I am taking. Because, we do not have to be married to have a solid foundation of trust, respect, honor, commitment or faith. We do not have to be intimate to pass these moral compasses on to our babies, or to those who have or will find their way into parts of our lives.
So from here on out, I am praying for you, for us….