So I picked up the phone and HIGHLIGHTED your name,
it counted visually for me the lifetime of seconds you did not answer.
On the other end lies my heartbeat, my laughter-
a piece of my soul.
So I exhale, holding onto this lifeline.
Watching the picture of you-seemingly smiling,
Knowing the last of that light is frozen,
in the muted frames of my cellphone screen.
Conversations of a life passed by seem to flash before me and
I feel that quietness began to trickle down.
I am having coversations with the memory of you and
realize the Hello I am responding to is not real.
Hearing the tones of your voice recite such familiar words
leaves me talking to the space between us.
So I am ready to embark on that journey again, to date, to love and share the intimate pieces of me l again.
It takes time to heal after divorce.
Many people in my life assumed that just because I am a man, I should have just jumped up and ran out the door and started the next relationship; yet that was not me.
I never dreamed that I would marry and then become divorced, that I would have to let go of the person I invested everything in and vice versa. So when the process began, I was devastated.
Not only was I scared for myself, I was scared for my children. How do I protect them from them pain of this as well. I struggled other watching the woman I Love be devastated as well, I felt helpless and defeated.
Through Faith, Growth, and time I overcame the things that could have crippled me; my children. We are stronger for pushing through the storm, finding that what was waiting after it passed was worth it.
Family is important, being a husband is what I want to be, a father, a Loving man of God that can show those around me that I am a living testimony of Love, of Faith, of forgiveness and strength.
My scars are nothing I am ashamed of anymore, so I bear them openly. Ask about them, the history behind each one has shaped me into the person I am today.
God Bless those that have taken a moment to read this, to connect with a part of me.
So I put my lips up against yours
And it all comes racing back to my heart. I’m pushing your pulling we fall down,
I hold you close and breath out.
Letting you in, giving my all,
This is the beginning of everything.
This is our everything.
You are my addiction, my breath.
I will be your faith – your strength,
We will be Home.
For Black History Month I thought I would share something I wrote as a teen, that entails my experiences…
So is this really my culture to bear,
just because I am the only black man in the room – does not
make me a shadow.
My voice sounds like a whip
my walk is an echo of every march to unify our Nation
my tears are rivers that lead from captivity to equality
and when you see me –
I am still just a wish never dreamed of
a thunderstorm you long to drive through
yet safety is found under black roof tops that shelter you from
So I stand in every room
Cracking my whip across misled perceptions
because being black is not a conception to be used to be
it means the scars that have been covered by progress
are not to be forgotten
the sting of once open wounds has not dissipated
Within our hearts we relieve the triumph of everyone who
spoke and died for us
So this whip I swing back and pray you feel it snap across your conscious. That being alive, is being human
that is what we are all struggling to be,
Maybe to scarring to recall.
Holding on to blind ambiton,
I-we, have followed you here.
Nothing promised in this cool dark night yet our footsteps are one. Marching loudly into the bursting warmth of daylight. I dare not speak to my neighbors who look on just as scared as me.
Hoping to touch solid ground, we have lemminged towards the worlds edge. Taking science over heart, words over faith, decomposition of flesh over a higher cause.
My soul cries out!
Believing that we live without purpose, substance.
Jump, is the cry heard above this blaring silence. It echoes back through us and it begans. No one claims shouting it out, lead by what might have been heard by one of us, a multitude follows that empty shroud over the edge.
Still , there in the middle one stops to look around. Reaches arms out and halts those behind.
Open your eyes, none of this….
We gathered as one under these
Whistling leaves of forgotten dreams, looking for absolution in the feathered tipped grass that enterwined itself between our toes.
Somewhere between belief and and fear we lost connection to this whole we had become.
It began with a look, that spread like wind upon the hillside, misunderstood glances passing between closed eyes.
They became ill fated followers of the same cause, believing they could change the heart of the masses by rewriting who we were.
Fear turned to hate, blasphemy we all cried. No longer pointing fingers, weapons drew, blood shed, tears fell from the clouds in a tireless torrent of who we used to be. Desperately trying to glue back the seams which we burst in foolish pride. We flooded the streets that day, crying for the truth which laid before us, blinded by our will to lead beyond the muted black and white world we had shaped with our own hands. Yet, somewhere in the middle of hysteria, one fell to a knee. Looked up at those standing around in confusion and said forgive me. Help me, I have lost my footing upon mistaken solid ground.
Moving steadily down the moutainside and enveloping the weary in its path. Giving cause to sudden spurts of breathlessness amid calming sun rays. Pulling down those withered organic forms from atop and flowing like water, down across wiliting grass. The songs of last season seem incomplete amid the noise of the oncoming clouds. Tirelessly they cling to that mute warmth that lead them through sleepless nights. Pushing through the gradient and onto level pastures, it hits with a curiosity ,
of what was there, from where it came. Its chill holds the soothing beats of birds flight, rocking my mind to ease. I am compelled to wander upward, against the tide. Looking for answers with closed eyes, I find solace in laying down and letting this movement take me away from here.
This is not what you think,
Quiet fires ignited underneath
Restless feet. A trail that leads up and out of every seam my body possess.
Trickling slowly upward these flashes pop in my mind. Eager to see what lies down this road traveled on. Following footsteps laid long before my creation.
Childike fancies dance through me, too big; too small- just right i contemplate as I near this journeys end.
My pupils dialate as that mirage becomes tangible. Scents of home, pull me faster. My legs tingle with anticipation, heart beating louder, trying to jump out of my chest and then… there you are at arms length and I lose breath. I’m seaching for sound from my deflated diaphragm . My tounge ache’s to form phonics, movement of my body seems impossible.
Although needless, you recognize the look in my eyes, and pull me close. Lips colliding like waves upon the shore and we engulf eachother like night upon the land.
I have circled and laid down in thought.
Pulled my collar tight on this cool fall eve, and smiled at the serendipitous falling of new snow.
I remember the journey we took,
the quiet hope of faith always underlying the prominent lives we led.
It’s not cold anymore as I catch a glimpse of stars that have remained bright through the ages. They tell a story of unbridled passion, love wanting, soul fulfillment.
It was once said ” if you want to improve be content to be thought foolish and stupid.”
So as we kiss for the last first time;
I find myself content to be in love.